Hey all! I was featured on this episode of The Deep Take, a podcast about conversations that heal. The podcast is hosted by my good friend Mya Constantino. Listen here, and also there are some words of reflection below.
The title, “Be Ready Before Lightning Strikes” refers to the willingness to go out and capture what needs to be captured. What is that? Wherever my intuition and my life guides me. There have been many creative roadblocks put in front of me, often times placed there by my very own self. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of disappointment. Fear and anxiety have been my worst enemy in overcoming my own creative roadblocks. The moments where I can get past that and capture something meaningful or beautiful [to me] I realize that none of that fear does anything good for me… that I’m best off trusting myself with at least trying. When you try, you might fail or you might succeed. But you can never succeed if you don’t at least try; and also fuck impressing anybody but yourself.
Mya and I discussed my childhood in the East Bay Area and how that specific environment shaped the individual I am. In particular, how Antioch and the Bay Area taught me a lot about humanity, people, life in America, and just about myself. We also discuss how I ended up in Santa Rosa and how I feel about Sonoma County in general and what chapter of life I’m in now.
In 2019 I began working for a cannabis company which basically marks that new chapter. In the past 3.5 years I’ve grown to be a project and supply chain operations manager. I’ve had the opportunity to shoot photos and videos for name brands, dispensaries, and even artists such as Jadakiss and Berner in the process. Most importantly though, I’ve developed as a person and learned so much in this small period of time. Creatively, however, I’ve limited my mental capacity and devotion to developing my visual craft. My creative periods have come in stints and often are motivated by elements of my life promoting the creativity but not devoting to it full time. Mental and physical exhaustion, or just mental roadblocks have been the main cause for my lack of creative output. However, I’ve placed an emphasis on being kind to myself about this. I can’t beat myself up for not being a creative machine- I’m a human. I’m a working human in a stressful position, trying to keep the roof above my head and my stomach fed. However, that doesn’t mean I’ll allow myself to remain in this position, where I let all these elements affect my well being. I have accepted there is a temporary sacrifice, but not that this is my fate.
When I captured the lightning series, I remember realizing that I had not planned for it at all. I remember thinking, wow, we really were in the right place at the right time.. even if it was one of the scariest things ever. I remember driving back from the Bodega coast at 4 in the morning with lightning striking the hills around us as we drove through the road in the valley on the edge of our seats. I remember the yelling in the car, even though we knew we were most likely safe in the car, we had just never witnessed anything like it. I remember standing next to my tripod and camera, and viewing the photos I was making, and amazing my friends that I knew the settings I needed. Perhaps I was not an expert or masterfully detailed with my techniques, but I knew enough to capture what I needed. I knew enough because every time I’ve ever taken photos, especially long exposures, I learned something that added value where I didn’t know I needed it. And in the most important moment, I knew what to do because how to do it was already etched into my mind from the preparation. I remember realizing all of this, and admitting, this is why we don’t stop doing what we love.
Anyways, this discussion as well as my personal reflections since then have indeed been very healing. I guess I hadn’t ever put my story into such a short version of itself and thought about it, in a long ass time. Putting the dots together and making sense of my past, why I’m here, where I want to be, how I feel about my art, and articulating all of that in one conversation kind of opened my eyes to what I want to do in life and how to do it. Even though I knew all of those things, they were fragmented in my mind. And again, I have the fear of failure in executing my vision. But that fear gets me nowhere. Failure to execute at all is 100% failure and I refuse to settle for that.
“What if it’s a cloudy night? If I would have just thought that, then we wouldn’t have went out and caught that. You have to be a risk-taker. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and just follow the stars.”
Never leaving my house without my camera again.. . Peace!
Matthew Pak 