My entire life has taken a shift, and this is only the beginning of yet another new chapter. It’s not the first time I start something new, but this is vastly different from what I’ve done in the past: Pure entrepreneurship. In some moments I feel lonely, nervous, and anxious about it, and in others I’m reminded how accompanied I am by others going through or who have gone through something just like me. And obviously, I’m surrounding myself with role models who I see executing it the right way.
I think it’s important to acknowledge how far one has come, but also to push past one’s comfort zones in order to grow more. I reached a point ‘professionally’ where I felt like my growth was stagnant and my best qualities weren’t being utilized. After making effort to increase my income and quality of work, or find another position that better suits my needs, I realized I was potentially missing out on a golden opportunity to put myself first for once; to bottle up everything I’ve learned and apply it to something I’ve always wanted, but didn’t quite understand yet.
In order to fully take on this quest, it would require many lifestyle changes to shift from a professional setting into a solo entrepreneur/work-from-home type of setting. It would require a ton of focus, dedication, organization, time, patience, effort; all the synonymous hard-working qualities you can think of. But then again – we do these things for other people to realize their dreams. Why not do the work to realize my own?
I’ve quickly realized there are a lot of things about simply ‘getting ready’ to go to work that prepare us mentally and physically for the work day. Waking up at home, surrounded by family and in the comfort of your own space – it becomes more difficult to draw that line, but not impossible. That’s where the boundaries are drawn: what I need or don’t need to focus on getting work done. Whether that be time, privacy, space, routine, or pure intentions. All of it has to be present for the sake of achieving the common goal – to create an grow a company that can produce value for the world and in return provide a comfortable way of life.
I think I’ll expand more on the topic of creating healthy habits for creators and entrepreneurs once I honestly get better at drilling them into myself and have some feedback. Right now this is more of a reflection on the change of priority, environment and pace. I’m reminding myself every day what I made this change for, and what it requires of me. Back to work!

I am both thankful and worried for the Age we live in. I mean, we’ve certainly come a long way from, say, a century ago, and the times we’re living in will be an interesting part of the history books. As great as the luxuries and technologies that we have are, and as comfortably as we may live, there is a lot that weighs down on the collective consciousness. There are a lot of divisive ideologies floating around, and a lot of strategies in place, that keep groups of people from uniting and undoing the damage that greed, money, and corruption have inflicted on society. Individually, a lot of us struggle to dig ourselves out of holes we may be in; many of us placed into these holes involuntarily. We still find ways to enjoy life and the company around us, but if we could change the way we live and the way society operates, I believe we would easily come up with some immediate fundamental changes.

So why don’t we? Easier said than done, and I’ll refer back to the ancient proverb: Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Lately, I feel that I’ve been taking more responsibility for myself, my habits, my health in all its forms, and just my growth in general. For a long time, I felt very stagnant; I felt stuck in a cycle and at the bottom of a pit. I felt as if I was prioritizing a lot of things besides my own well-being, and then it created a big pile of stuff I had to do in order to get past it, which sucked the motivation out. In truth, I’ve been chipping away at those things day by day, and it’s tough to see that progress from a daily view, so I’ve relied more on consistency. But in retrospect of the past 6 or so months, it seems I’ve gained self-control and self-mastery to a greater extent than previous efforts of greater stints.

Sometimes our growth and maturity has less to do with our “effort”, and more with the balance within our bodies, as well as the events happening in our life. Obviously effort plays a huge role in anything that we do, but it is a synergy of events together that help place larger stepping stones ahead of us. A brief example would be.. simply saying, “I would like to participate in a more environmentally friendly world” which is a good start for all of us, and follows the basic idea that we must put some initial energy into it as well as align ourselves deeper with the cause.
This simple idea then gets turned into multiple avenues of intention and effort. For example, with this approach, we must consider investing in some reusable items we can use daily and when we travel, so we reduce using single-use plastics and other consumer goods. Then, we have a composting bin and recycling bin to sort out our trash and send them to the correct processing facilities. Perhaps, we start tracking and limiting our excessive consumption of precious resources such as gas, electricity, water, money, etc. In addition, we may start purchasing other more environmentally-friendly items such as recycled products (household goods, clothing, shoes). We start to eat sustainably sourced foods, we even grow our own. We upcycle/recycle the clothes and shoes that we grow out of. We take on a bigger understanding of the world and how to navigate it, so we can make better choices. All of the basics start trickling down into the details, as the basics become part of our nature, and this happens for every avenue we put energy and intention into.

For me, I have done most of these things related to this example, and feel this way about the several avenues I have put focus into. Had some of these things always weighed on my mind? Yes… but it hadn’t been a priority, so the focus was not there. Well, I had a switch flip in my brain recently that has allowed me to focus more (I wish I could say only) on the things that serve me, and purge or let go of that which does not. I have learned to respect when it’s time for rest, time for work, time to tune out of work, time to learn and grow, and to respect the effort and discipline needed to do them all well.

Because it’s more than just being environmentally friendly, and it’s more than just doing that for myself. The collection of all the intentions and things I’m doing to better myself, is ultimately to live in a better functioning world. It’s ultimately for the future of humanity, though that does sound a little dramatic!
As I said, we have to be the change… We cannot expect others to live up to a standard we don’t even hold for ourselves! We don’t do that at home, or at work, so it isn’t something we should do in general.

What does self-mastery look like to you? Have you ever had those “a-ha” moments when it comes to your own journey of growth? Do you ever take time to think about how far you’ve come in something from since you first set that goal?

It’s a feeling I haven’t felt this strongly in a while, so since it feels good, I’m going to keep following what my heart tells me and keep going on this journey of self-mastery in hopes that it sets an example for others around me and leads to a better functioning world.

You ever have those moments/days where you almost literally feel yourself shedding off previous versions of yourself? It’s as if we’re aware nothing has changed overnight or in that moment, but that how you feel in that moment is definitely different than the last time you were aware of it. Life has a way of passing through the days so quickly that even a hard look in the mirror every day doesn’t really reveal any major changes. Over the course of time, though, like exercising consistently for years on end, you do see the changes. You do see and feel the results of all the time, blood, sweat, and tears that got you into your position today.

A lot of questions and uncertainties I had in life about myself, about society, about the way we all tend to maneuver through this life experience seem to have been answered lately. A lot of tendencies and habits and truths about myself I have associated to their root causes or childhood memories that add up to present-day Matthew. And it’s not like I have everything all figured out – I most definitely do not – but it’s as if I am starting to feel a sense of closure with so many questions from my past about myself and the world. My curiosity and drive to figure things out will surely continue to lead me down many rabbit holes, into many new experiences and new revelations. I am excited for them. I am excited to move past a chapter in my life riddled with doubt, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty and into one where I move with a sense of awareness, of confidence, of courageousness, and of peace.

Sometimes I think I’m viewing life a little too simplistically these days. But, that is also a result of me finding a solution to constantly overthinking and underperforming. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of social judgment and socially-induced anxiety that stemmed mostly from childhood experiences. It’s the adulthood experiences that really give us a reality check. It’s after we get through the superficial acts of graduating school and working great and shitty jobs and being in great and shitty relationships that teach you the most about yourself and the company you kept up to that point. I’ve found that not a lot of people I’ve encountered in life really understand what I’m talking about, or themselves have made it past a certain level of self-awareness and consciousness to understand and feel their changes on a deep intuitive level. That’s okay, too, as the world must operate in balance. It’s not written in all our paths to think or feel this way; it’s not written for all of us to be famous or great – let alone just desire to be better in any way.

But if that is you reading this, resonating with anything I’ve said, maybe wondering when you’ll really feel any progress or growth within yourself, then at least take this one thing away: Trust the process while you put in the work, rest and meditate a lot to heal the mind body and soul, then push yourself to be great again. The world needs you to be you, not a shadow or a copy of anybody else.

Peace

I’ve a long way to go/grow as a person. Even as far as I’ve already come, every day awaits a new world of knowledge and opportunities – big or small – slowly evolving who I am at my core. So often, I think about all the memories in my brain that have fallen through the cracks but still live in the crevices; still there directing my every day flow, decision-making, and personality – mostly subconsciously. Memories that I don’t quite recall, but I just know they’re there. They pop up in those random split second moments that they’re relevant, but then the pressing matters of life take over, and all is subtly forgotten, although not fully. Not forever.

It’s for all the little things we go through every day that I feel there’s an importance to writing/journaling. Our daily lives consist of accumulating so much physical and mental toll; so many thoughts completed, breaths and steps taken, calories burned, energy spent. It’s for these same reasons I find it difficult to journal often, let alone every week or day like I would consider ideal… I’m spent.

Simultaneously, I wonder, how do people go through life and not take a moment to wind the fuck out? What is their version of doing so? How do they cope with the built up stress of every day life? It’s not that I believe everyone copes with things the same way, not at all. I am truly interested in the different ways that different people navigate through life’s complications. It’s different for us all – everyone’s life is uniquely complicated. I’ve always been at least a little different from the rest, and I’m at least a little OK with that. I’m slowly becoming more and more comfortable with it, too.

And for me, maybe it isn’t always journaling I should rely on. For me, going on a photo walk, a bike ride, or a hoop session also help me process what I may be going through and find a method of resetting/refreshing my mind. And that kind of physical meditation can be described as necessary. However, no matter how much I rely on those kinds of [primarily physical] outlets, there is only so much to be done for what my mind needs, which is time, silence, and deep thought. Writing goes hand in hand with that. I’ve lost my touch with the pen/keys, with my deeper thoughts, but I’m finding a way to navigate through all my challenges. I’m the only one who’s going to fight the fight for myself.

~Peace

A lot is on my mind, every day and night. Each day there is a passing moment where I wish I could drop what I’m doing and just note down that feeling that I’m feeling. Most times I find silence and try to write I mostly just feel unhappy that I can’t get down to what it is I even want to say. What were those thoughts and feelings I had that were interesting at the time? The medium means a lot too. Sometimes it’s easier to just tweet a sentence or two, and leave it at that. What I go through, and what I have to share, is worthy of more of that, I think. I say that now, but most of the time I also battle with this very idea… that my thoughts or feelings are worth anything to anyone else, or worth publishing online to share – like who cares? What on Earth does it change if I have an opinion just to make it clickable and sharable? I’d lost any motivation to do that anymore for a long while, like nearly 5+ years, but I believe I know the reasons why. A lot of the time between then and now has been a very rough and jagged path of self-becoming and growth, as well as studies and work, and just trying to survive. Just trying very, very hard to be the best version of myself in this crazy, screwed up world that can lead you down any path you decide to take. Am I a screw up…? Am I doing my part in society? Am I supporting local businesses and the right social programs and voting for the right things? Am I even making enough to pay bills and save for my future with healthy credit and reliable transportation and…? You know, just dealing and worrying about all the things school never really prepared us to unless you were lucky. But I’ve accepted something of the utmost importance this year: life waits for no one, opportunities wait for no one… and most importantly nothing anyone thinks matters… This life and how we choose to plan it out, that’s on us. And it’s on ourselves to personally see it through and take accountability for it… And along the way, recognize our achievements and success, don’t dwell on our missed shots and what-if’s. I did a lot of both this year, but truly realized the importance of honoring our achievements. It’s been a rough year and I feel for everybody affected. I’m extremely lucky I happened to be in the right industry, in the right job at the right time… Many people have been less fortunate. But also, this is the result of my hard work. This is the result of my hardheadedness mixed with my soft soul. I would not be where I am without the initiatives I have taken to make sure I am myself to the fullest degree, and always searching to develop on that, to build my character. I’m thankful to everything, to everyone, most importantly myself. I’m still figuring it out, and that’s OK. I’m starting on things now I should have already, but that’s OK. We here now and we gonna run it up this new year like it’s a new life.

Peace

photos by Dennis Andrade

I’ve very much been enjoying the process of self-discovery as of late. Embracing the bumpy road and movements it has facilitated within me have only led me to practice more open-mindedness, more gratitude, more love, all with an emphasis on the self. The passion and the vision within burns like the hottest of flames and I just want to spread and reach the masses with the universal messages of life and love.

I’m reminded – by myself if by no one else – that I know myself better than anyone ever will. I’m reminded every day that I am different, that we are all different, and what makes me different is mine to embrace, to discover, and see to its very end. People will live their calling out differently. People assign their goals, set their prices, reach for their dreams differently, but the end-goal is remarkably similar. We seek a place in this planet doing something we love to do, something that sets all the bullshit aside and makes the trouble worth it.

Being patient is also at the forefront of this process, understanding that it takes time to create great things. Greatness takes manifestation, pride, practice, meditation, and faith. It takes the proper energy, the proper intentions, and the proper timing. For a while, I carried spite in thinking that I wasn’t where I ought to be yet, that my progress as an artist has been too slow, but now, I more deeply understand that you can’t expedite what the universe has in plan for you.

Among all my memories, good and bad, I’m astonished to know that I am still me. I’ve remained to be intact with myself, to carry myself with a high identity to myself and to the peers to which it matters to. My family, my best friends, those I see on a high wavelength, reciprocate that to me. Most importantly, I reciprocate that within. I know I am where and who I need to be to get where I want to go. No one else could do this. Only me.

I continue to keep all three eyes open, to voice my mind, to question the world and seek my own answers. I continue to ponder my thoughts, document my life, and seek further into my calling. Reminding myself again and again along the way to appreciate where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m headed..

The last few months have been no different from the rest of the year in that it has been a roller-coaster ride full of the unexpected.

Metaphysically,
I’ve been living in the present as much as possible, soaking in what life has had to offer me… and in turn, my blog posts are pretty far behind. I have over 15 unfinished drafts, and yet I start a new idea every time the mind calls for it. I have a lot to say and a lot of information and wisdom to offer, but I’m still training myself to be better about taking things one at a time. So I’m trying not to stress on those half-finished ideas, and simply post this one to get the ball rolling again. Everything else will follow.

My mind is always running with ideas. All of them are worth recording, and some are worth further exploring. You never really find out unless you record them and explore them all to some degree. You have to allocate the time and energy for that if it’s not by habit. But for me, it is by habit to ponder and reflect on what’s going on inside. I’m working on allocating more time and energy for business, school, and personal health; the things that occur outside of my mental barricades.

I’ve at times been so concerned with polishing a product before it exists, that it never even made it past a rough draft. I’ve been so concerned with the reception of my creations that I failed to create. I’ve been so concerned with making a specific kind of photograph that I didn’t even go out to shoot. The real difference since these times is that lately, I carry a different kind of confidence and mentality towards creating and just living life in general. I’m truly learning to embrace the unknown, spontaneity, and perhaps fate. The results of this life approach have spoken volumes for the state of my mental health, the amount of photos I’ve been creating, and the energy being attracted my way.

My heart is in a place of creation. Building connections with new people, building deeper connections with my loved ones, and most importantly building a deeper connection between myself and this Earth.

Physically,
At the tail end of July, I decided to go full-frame. I sold my Nikon D5200 and acquired a D800, both eliminating crop factor and gaining over a 50% increase in resolution. The sharpness and functionality of my aged Nikkor Ai-S and AF lenses improved dramatically being able to use their true focal lengths. All of the detail, color, and sharpness in my latest images has not ceased to impress me. The D800 is by no means a new camera, but its performance has stood the test of time. It has been a joy to work with such a more powerful canvas when I’m out making photographs.

Throughout August and September, I’ve gotten more used to the D800 while also shooting and processing a ton of 35mm film on the side. A lot of the film dates back from July and August, but I’ve caught myself up to the end of September. I think I spent over $300 in film processing and scanning services this summer alone, so I’ve been pondering the idea of scanning my own film via an Epson flatbed scanner. I’ve cross compared the cost of develop-only services local to me versus continuing using TheDarkroom, ranging from $6-$10/roll rather than $12-$15/roll and up for develop + scan.

Film is no cheap hobby. On the contrary it’s proven to be quite costly. Film costs can vary widely, but most of the film I’m using is $4-8+ a roll depending where and what, plus processing costs. A $5 roll + $15 develop & scan + tax = ~$22, not including shipping and other potential expenses. If you round up to $24, that’s $1/shot on a 24exp. roll or $0.67/shot on a 36exp roll. This cost break-down kind of makes you re-evaluate how we consume film, but in turn, sharpens the photographic eye with every shot.
I think that’s part of the reason a lot of people love to shoot film and why film photographs tend to have more substance. [In comparison to the digital camera], people save their film for a truly photogenic or memorable moment, they don’t just burst mode through their life. . .

I also found a private darkroom business nearby, whom I’ve decided to work exclusively with for making prints from any medium. See http://www.TheLabSantaRosa.com. They’re equipped with a Flextight drum scanner, a Chromira LED printer, and a traditional enlarger in the only commercial darkroom I know of in the North Bay. I’m sure others exist out there, but I’m not sure I could have been any more fortunate for this one being here.

Some of the biggest news with myself this summer is I sold my first three prints. They were all done by the Chromira LED printer at The Lab, the local darkroom I mentioned, printed on archival Fujifilm Lustre stock. These initial prints have given me much confidence in the quality of the photo lab and the rewarding feeling of seeing and feeling the picture in physical form. Making a beautiful moment be still forever and allowing others to appreciate it as I did is one of my main goals in this craft, and I see distributing prints as a great means to do that.

I’ve been extremely busy doing photo and video projects for clients while keeping up with school and work obligations. Likely the hardest part about where I am in life is that I still feel held back by my need to focus on academics and to earn and save more money. However, those are things that I also refuse to limit or prevent me from expressing myself, going out and creating connections, ideas, photographs, or anything else my heart reasonably desires.

With all that being said, I’m very excited for what the future holds. My business cards have been in circulation, my head is being held up high, my shutters are clicking, my film is advancing, my perspectives are opening and changing. My life is beginning to take form as I re-evaluate what my priorities are, where my intentions lay, and where I’d like to position myself for the future chapters in my life. Until then, I’m continuing to be as present as possible, and contribute to a positive force in the world.