…but nothing compares to real life experiences. Luckily, I’ve been humbled a bunch of times in 27 years. I am wise enough to know that there is often more than what meets the eye, especially when it’s online. Beware of how others tote their success making it seem quick and easy, or like it hit them on their first try, or like sending them money will help buy yours. It won’t.

Only you can reach a level of fulfillment in life that you can define as success, because pleasing everyone’s definition of it ain’t gonna get you anywhere. Everything you do should be for fulfilling your own purpose and goals in life. You might have a dozen different inspirational figures that are close, but not exactly, the kind of person you aim to be. Remember, you can’t be all of them, and in fact it’s impossible to even just be one of them. You can only be you, guided by the light that was left behind in all of them. In the future, your doings can be the light that guides another on their journey. Isn’t that special?

Perspective is important. Comparison is the thief of joy. I remain a victim of comparison on social media and technology, constantly teetering between finding inspiration and feeling defeat before even beginning. Changing my perspective allowed me to realize I need to listen to my heart and not my smartphone. Stop allowing others to enter the personal space in my mind and allow myself to express how I feel without being sorry about it. Create how I want without following all the “rules” or worrying about the reception. Just simply do. That’s when you will learn the most and have something valid to say about it.

Hey all! I was featured on this episode of The Deep Take, a podcast about conversations that heal. The podcast is hosted by my good friend Mya Constantino. Listen here, and also there are some words of reflection below.

The title, “Be Ready Before Lightning Strikes” refers to the willingness to go out and capture what needs to be captured. What is that? Wherever my intuition and my life guides me. There have been many creative roadblocks put in front of me, often times placed there by my very own self. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of disappointment. Fear and anxiety have been my worst enemy in overcoming my own creative roadblocks. The moments where I can get past that and capture something meaningful or beautiful [to me] I realize that none of that fear does anything good for me… that I’m best off trusting myself with at least trying. When you try, you might fail or you might succeed. But you can never succeed if you don’t at least try; and also fuck impressing anybody but yourself.

Mya and I discussed my childhood in the East Bay Area and how that specific environment shaped the individual I am. In particular, how Antioch and the Bay Area taught me a lot about humanity, people, life in America, and just about myself. We also discuss how I ended up in Santa Rosa and how I feel about Sonoma County in general and what chapter of life I’m in now.

In 2019 I began working for a cannabis company which basically marks that new chapter. In the past 3.5 years I’ve grown to be a project and supply chain operations manager. I’ve had the opportunity to shoot photos and videos for name brands, dispensaries, and even artists such as Jadakiss and Berner in the process. Most importantly though, I’ve developed as a person and learned so much in this small period of time. Creatively, however, I’ve limited my mental capacity and devotion to developing my visual craft. My creative periods have come in stints and often are motivated by elements of my life promoting the creativity but not devoting to it full time. Mental and physical exhaustion, or just mental roadblocks have been the main cause for my lack of creative output. However, I’ve placed an emphasis on being kind to myself about this. I can’t beat myself up for not being a creative machine- I’m a human. I’m a working human in a stressful position, trying to keep the roof above my head and my stomach fed. However, that doesn’t mean I’ll allow myself to remain in this position, where I let all these elements affect my well being. I have accepted there is a temporary sacrifice, but not that this is my fate.

When I captured the lightning series, I remember realizing that I had not planned for it at all. I remember thinking, wow, we really were in the right place at the right time.. even if it was one of the scariest things ever. I remember driving back from the Bodega coast at 4 in the morning with lightning striking the hills around us as we drove through the road in the valley on the edge of our seats. I remember the yelling in the car, even though we knew we were most likely safe in the car, we had just never witnessed anything like it. I remember standing next to my tripod and camera, and viewing the photos I was making, and amazing my friends that I knew the settings I needed. Perhaps I was not an expert or masterfully detailed with my techniques, but I knew enough to capture what I needed. I knew enough because every time I’ve ever taken photos, especially long exposures, I learned something that added value where I didn’t know I needed it. And in the most important moment, I knew what to do because how to do it was already etched into my mind from the preparation. I remember realizing all of this, and admitting, this is why we don’t stop doing what we love.

Anyways, this discussion as well as my personal reflections since then have indeed been very healing. I guess I hadn’t ever put my story into such a short version of itself and thought about it, in a long ass time. Putting the dots together and making sense of my past, why I’m here, where I want to be, how I feel about my art, and articulating all of that in one conversation kind of opened my eyes to what I want to do in life and how to do it. Even though I knew all of those things, they were fragmented in my mind. And again, I have the fear of failure in executing my vision. But that fear gets me nowhere. Failure to execute at all is 100% failure and I refuse to settle for that.

“What if it’s a cloudy night? If I would have just thought that, then we wouldn’t have went out and caught that. You have to be a risk-taker. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and just follow the stars.”

Never leaving my house without my camera again.. . Peace!

I’ve always been known to hang with folk older than myself, and be wiser than my years. But there’s something about experiencing shit in life that when you reflect back on it, you can’t help but admit (and maybe laugh at the fact) that you really needed to go through that to understand that wisdom that was passed down. In some ways its playful and in others it gets real deep, but most of you know what I mean. We love when a good lesson comes full circle in life.

At this time of year, when my birthday comes around and Taurus season is in effect, a fire ignites in my soul and I start acting up, usually in a good way. This year I think it’s really good for me, because I’m learning to take care of myself in various new ways and I’ve learned so many valuable life lessons in the past few years especially. In a sense, it feels like I didn’t have time for those past couple years to stop and reflect and understand what’s really going on and important for me in that moment – I was sort of flying on autopilot. But recently, my mindset has shifted and I’m feeling confident and positive about what my future brings, mostly because I know it’s my persistent efforts that got me where I am today. Plus, I’ve been making lots of notes in the background to prepare me for these next steps. As I said, valuable life lessons, even if some I don’t fully understand yet.

One of the biggest maturity lessons I’m overcoming is the need for validation from others, and in particular my friends and people I already know. I think that for a long time, I’ve had a very limited scope of the world, and of who my audience is when I speak or share my art. But the reality is that the world is vast, and the entirety of it is the artist’s audience. I’ve realized it’s not typical to think the way I do, to see the world the way I do, to express myself the way I do; but also that I don’t give a damn if I know so and no one else does yet. Humans having the Web and being able to share our unfiltered thoughts and selves into basically whichever form we desire, is all that we ever needed to be whoever we want to be.

What life has taught me to reinforce this lesson is that being able to express the most fearless and authentic version of yourself while being successful is the cream of the crop, and that is how I want to feel. I no longer feel the need to compromise how I create or share my work for the sake of my current list of followers or friends or whatever. I no longer feel the need to gain validation from an audience I’ve already gathered before, because all that energy should be directed toward just being the best and purest form of myself and attracting new people to it who feel the energy I’m putting out.

I’ve been doing good about keeping myself sharp, but I know it’s not good enough for my standards. I know I have to set the bar higher for myself and put in the work to reach that level of strength, success and inner peace that I need and desire. But here is the blessing through it all: I know what it is I want and I’d bet on myself for getting there.

I’ve made some updates to the website recently, though it’s still missing it’s 2021 35mm page – under construction.

The 2020 page has been updated, and many shutter clicks have happened between then and now, but developing, scanning, and retouching favorites has been something like a quarterly process. I’m on October 2nd now, day 2 of Q4 and it’s hitting me – I’ve got all these rolls from Q3 to finish retouching, and 10 rolls in the fridge to send out, damn. What’s new around here? I’m pretty sure my roommate has it worse than me, but we’re always in the thick of it, wondering how we got ourselves so deep.

Truth is, work has consumed 90% of my time and energy, and I’m real frugal about how I spend the remaining 10%. Some of that involves shooting memories as I go, but it’s not exactly enough for me to have field days of shooting, stay on top of all my edits, promote my artwork, and commit to other projects, all at the same time.
It’s okay, because I have never really placed any emphasis on rushing the photographs or rushing myself to finish something that isn’t urgent. I believe in the power of a good photograph withstanding time, and bringing the memories back that I intended… and if I didn’t do that, I take notes and march on clicking.

With the scanning and retouching, a lot of my reflection, notetaking, and hopefully improvement takes place behind the scenes. I apologize (mostly to myself I guess, but to whoever reads this) that I haven’t been able to supply regular fresh photographs for your viewing and my OCD’s pleasure. It’s sad that Instagram gets priority because that’s where the habits lie and where the attention gravitates… where the dopamine is found. I just want those IG viewers to hit that link in bio a little more often, ya know? Perhaps that would motivate me to keep the website fresh, but I know it eventually falls on me. I have a lot of photos in the archive, and a lot of different ideas for getting my art out there, while being sustainable and fun with it.

It’s just a matter of time. It’s not that I don’t have any, but my health, my job, and some other personal projects were a bit more important to me than photos or the site the past few months. As I get close to harvesting my plants, the seasons change and the sunlight fades earlier; it becomes that time of year where I catch up and make moves artistically and professionally.

Many blessings,
Peace

Time flies and things constantly change, so much so that by the time I stop and think about it, it feels like nothing is ever the same as the last. A cherished memory feels forever ago, and feels like its fading, with the other many valuable memories I cling to. Bits of my identity stored within tangible and intangible objects. Journaling and photography help me return to my past while I cling so hard to what’s right in front of me.

These are new chapters in life I’m experiencing. Some days, I’m able to flip through the pages of my mind, and I land on a special feeling, but most times I’m focused here in the present — grinding. It’s where I’ve trained myself to be, moving in the present, planning for the future, but overall, driving in the fast lane getting to my next position.

And perhaps that’s why I feel this way, just constantly catching up with myself mentally, always overly aware of my headspace and my emotions. Constantly self-critical, constantly adjusting. It’s tiring to be this self-conscious and this addicted to work. I don’t give myself enough love, enough time, enough credit, enough personal space. I just grind, work, and think hard; I don’t look back, but rather keep my eyes on the prize. I do what my heart calls for, what feels right, because I’ve learned to trust myself more than anyone.

The thing I am most proud of is where this has gotten me today. Because, for a while, it felt like maybe I was getting nowhere, or at least I had a long, long way to go. But today, I feel differently about this mostly due to the past two years of my life.. and in particular, the past 6 months. It’s been an absolute grind, but looking back at it, it’s contributed immensely to my character development, specifically in the direction I’ve always wanted it to go. I get to facilitate, organize, create, contribute, and enjoy the flowers of my labor, while taking part in something positive. I’m yearning for more personal time and self-love, but I know that I will focus energy on it and feel better about it in time. It’s just incredibly important to me to honor what nature provides us during certain points or seasons in our lives. Metaphorically, I feel as if this chapter of mine is like Spring – it’s a time of growth and regeneration, as well as planting seeds for the future.

I had a little after-thought today about yesterday’s journal. A little change in the wording of the title:

Create. Elevate. Commemorate.

I think that in a sense educate and elevate can be synonyms if you look at gaining knowledge and education as a sense of elevating both your consciousness and the collective consciousness. By uplifting others with what we say or do, we put out good energy into the world. And by spreading information about science, art, health, awareness, charity, corruption, injustice, etc, we attempt to inflict upon others the opportunity to create an outcome from these which can make the world a better place – can elevate our state of livelihood, our richness in soul and in spirit.

Anyway, it’s easy to view Mondays as the beginning of a long week. I was about to feel that way but then remembered that we can shift our perspective. I look forward to this week being more productive, diverse, fun, and positive than the last few have been. It’s been a rocky year for most of us but I’m reminded every day, or at least attempting to remind myself, how much I have to be grateful for.

This new month I’m striving to spend a few hours creating every day… And to create a better routine which supports that.

Peace and Love

It’s crazy how the times have changed. With it, the standards, the tragic moments, the great wins. With everything that happens within a single year now, it begins to feel like everything has the power to be truly insignificant. The smaller moments within a single year and even the biggest moments of previous ones. And, as individuals, whether it is intentional or not, we choose what is significant and worthy of our energy in life. We choose where we set our standards; how we define a win versus a loss; a high versus a low; something versus nothing. The power of choice is so prevalent, so strong and dominant, wielded daily and often without care. Knowing that I have this power to direct my energy as I choose, I often err on the side of caution – I am often very careful who and what I deliver a lot of my energy to, because as a result some energy will be received back. Things also occur in life independently from us, and we must be careful of what we allow ourselves to take ownership of, to accept onto our plate, into our systems, into our lives. We can always make an improvement and refresh our perspective to remind us what our true priorities and goals are, and not be distracted by foolishness, tiredness, restlessness, or the deprivation of superficial needs.

Peace

These past few months have been some of the most interesting times of my life. I know I’m not alone in that.

From years of building momentum for post-college, then suddenly entering a pandemic state, which created a shift in collective consciousness, not to mention an unforeseeable future — to slowly returning to work in a newly-specified “essential” industry (THANK YOU CANNABIS), maintaining focus, balance, and momentum in a world where shit is finally hitting the fan – where discussions are actually being made and behavior is being called out because the energy for it is there. . . .

I am glad to say that after coming a long way to achieve some level of inner peace, I have found it, even amid the current state of the world. Words can’t even really explain how grateful I am to wake up today, to think these thoughts, and to type it out in the comfort of my own skin and identity. To be surrounded by people who love reciprocally. To be a part of a society that isn’t afraid to speak up for what is or isn’t right. This new generation is a beautiful thing to witness and be a part of.

Furthermore, I can’t describe how grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given and that are coming my way. I truly feel that the power of manifestation and intention is real, and that I want to better harness that in my life. I want to use my skills, my powers, to help elevate and enlarge the powerful voices of the people in my communities and networks. Starting from within, always.

The above photo was right after shelter orders, before the murder of George Floyd. You should see it now. Check out Jon Harrison‘s protest coverage on his Instagram.

“It took a pandemic to. . .”
“It took a pandemic for. . .”

Why is this the reality? I mean, I think we all know why.
Because all this time, and still, Americans are bred to prioritize individualism over collectivism, most hours of the day.
We only spend a fraction of our energy on collective efforts and benefits, especially when they don’t yield individual benefit. The energy we spend thinking we’re being socially inclusive are sharing activist links and politically influenced media, or hyping friends up on social media to ensure people you still like them and they don’t think you’re dead.
But we as a collective don’t end up on the front-lines of issues like this, when the world isn’t in pandemic mode. We simply have far less to do with ourselves right now. However, with how quickly things are reopening in California and the rest of America, people are certainly concerned less with the actual problem and more with themselves, once again.

Is the world getting back on its feet? It clearly is. I’m not in a position to tell people what to do. It is really no different than simply being extra cautious to begin with. Except, for longer. But you shouldn’t be going to malls, theaters, bars; enclosed, low-ventilation places with people who aren’t taking the basic health safety precautions to prevent the spread of even basic, common germs and viruses. It is really no different than simply being extra cautious to begin with.

A reminder to watch what you let into your body and mind. Occupy your time and energy with the right things. Be a part of something bigger than just yourself. But you have to really be about it, not just talk about it for the sake of being in on the conversation. One love, Peace.

Photography for me is a journal for life and a journey through the soul.

At times when life is too troubling to sit and put it into words, I turn to photography and the archives. Photography has been the great mediator. It’s a language we can bend to our liking. It’s an art form I’ve come to appreciate more by the day, especially in analog format. I think when you become intimate with the experience of doing something, then that’s something worth holding onto.

Life is, unfortunately, temporary. And, most tangible things are easily destroyed, lost, or in this age, plentiful and worthless. It’s mostly.. rarity and sentimentalism that provides value to things. Photography can, indeed, capture these elements. Something familiar that reminds us of other things that we know. But.

A lot of the work I’ve done hasn’t been to remind others, but to remind myself of what I know. Looking back through my archives reminds me of those significant memories and periods in my life, and forces the question of how I may have viewed the world in that moment. I don’t dwell on the idea I would do it differently or better or not at all. Rather, I’m extremely grateful I’ve snapshotted how I was feeling, and something to look back on. I realize that it’s for me more than anyone else. There is no use to seeking gratification from others about my work because it’s been intended for myself; my own growth, my own journey. It’s priceless for that.

As I’ve grown, I’ve realized that photography and cinematography is a real field of work in the world – an absolutely necessary and crucial asset for almost any business, now. As I’ve slaved away in school and been working to survive, I can’t help but see a place for myself in the greater world of film, media, and entertainment. Where dreams and visions become a shareable experience, a newfound reality, an alternate universe.

I want to live in that world where my peace comes from the work and the energy I put in and out of this world. It’s beyond me then, it’s the world that has greater stories to tell through my developed approaches to the arts. It’s when you’re actually on set for a production bigger than you that all those years of self-driven work taught and prepared you for. After all, whatever parts of it got you here is, to some degree, what they expect to see from you.

As a developing human artist I’ve tried my hand at various approaches to seeing out my vision – creating for a living. And even though it becomes frustrating when you feel you haven’t found the right thing for yourself yet, you gotta take a step back to admire the journey.
You learned so much, and you would’ve never known or learned these things if it wasn’t for your willingness to find out what’s on the other side. Sometimes, it’s a priceless moment meant for you to capture. You’re here for a reason.

You gotta embrace where the journey has led you.

I’ve been feeling creative juices ripening within me as of late. There are multiple possibilities as to why, but that’s of less importance to me now.

What I do know is that I have energy built up that has to be well spent. I have a soul and a body as a vessel for that soul that I need to nurture well. Part of that nurture is accounting for my mental health, my freedom of expression, and my accumulation of life experience and the skills granted to me through such. It also includes the physical and the spiritual; in all, the mind, body, and soul. I find they all tend to be connected by the energy flowing and shared within the body.

I had been thinking lately about the skills that I do have, and what kinds of skills I’d like to improve on or introduce myself to completely. Things that will carry the most value for my channeling of creative flow and energy throughout time.
The way I see it is, we can’t be the Jack of Every Trade we wish to be. We can’t be everything we vision, or achieve each and every possible path of life that speaks to us. It is merely because we see ourselves able to understand and place ourselves within the position of an understood “future” reality as it is affixed to the one we already experience. It is so tempting, yes, to venture out after every aspiration… but, the parallels of consciousness and reality teach all the same lessons, no matter where you go, no matter who you are and the reality you find yourself experiencing.
In short, you will go and be whoever you are meant to be. It ain’t gotta be everything or everyone, and it sure as hell ain’t gotta be right now. You have to sharpen and hone the building blocks of your character.

I know it’s tough.
I know that it feels like as much. . . good, sincerity, and love that I see in the world. . . I have full awareness of the darkness that rests in the shadows, gutters, and filth. It’s a part of us all, and for some more difficult to deal with. More difficult to keep your head up toward the light. But look up and ahead; your canvas is waiting… your redefining, your rebirth. The future is looking bright, sage.