This roll of Gold 200, developed and scanned by Underdog Film Lab in Oakland, CA, features a day at the beach with some of my housemates and friends – several months back (I’m updating this blog with film roll dumps and a message to go with them). Also pictured are just some spontaneous moments in the following week or so. Pete (15, 16) always gives me a laugh not only just when we hang out but especially when I take pictures of him. He likes to pose or give a goofy face or do something.
Emerald took the second to last frame of me… We practiced that one on digital for a while and I set the settings for her so she would be comfortable only having to focus the lens and hit the shutter. =]
I feel like it’s not only overdue, but my right and my calling to make a post here every day. I often feel that maybe my thoughts aren’t cohesive enough to write them here, but I forget how powerful and beautiful the act of writing can be. And really, it goes hand in hand with what I have to share visually. Together, they are a catalyst of the experiences I’ve had that I can share with others. I’ve found that’s what I really want to do. Create; Educate; Commemorate.
I believe that in my life I’ve attracted specific experiences — specific souls and relationships that have either grown to become something or drifted off for the better; specific places I’ve been and photographs I’ve made, hands I’ve shaken, DM’s I’ve sent, turns I’ve made. I believe that nearly everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t quite understand it yet, or ever. Many things in life aren’t meant for us to understand, but moments in time meant for us to experience… And perhaps, for some like me, we have an underlying purpose to capture them and preserve them.
The work I do is both for myself and for the preservation of an art form which captures extremely rare, once-in-a-lifetime snapshots of our collective consciousness experience. That is a beautiful thing and I’ll simply always do it, always learning and growing along the way, as I’ve been. It’s just a beautiful thing to embrace, like all of our collective experiences together…
…And when we find there’s something that hurts our souls, that disturbs our peace, that isn’t beautiful in respect to preservation of life – we act… We protest, we debate, we fight, we rebel.
Even those moments – especially those moments – need preservation. They and the individuals who have experienced pain and injustice need their story told so that the collective conscious understands morality and learns to love each other. We have been shown time and time again the importance of documenting and telling the stories over time, and fighting for the change we wish to see.
Spread love, stay safe, stay tuned. A post every day coming from yours truly.
The journey I took through my soul this past year has not been an easy one, but it has been well worth the persistence to reach this point of reflection. I made it through 2019 into the New Year, and with that has come many developments and achievements I wouldn’t have even imagined attaining back in 2018, such as shooting promos, events, and music videos for local artists and businesses, selling my photographs, developing film at home, and curating this website to display my work at the freedom of my own expression.
Every ounce of struggle I felt led me to maneuver through my issues and my emotions, and ultimately, create something out of it because in those instances, I felt like I had nothing anymore. Everything I knew about myself among this world, I had questioned all over again. This amount of doubt and questioning led me on a true deep-sea exploration into my mind fishing for some answers. It couldn’t happen any other way: I was bound to hit a new rock bottom, just as I am soon bound to reach a new high.
photo: Matthew Pak
But that’s just who I am. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t question the world and question myself the way that I do. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get the answers from yesterday and form the questions of tomorrow, today. Everyday, I’ve new questions and new answers. Knowledge cries out to me, because I likely don’t give knowledge enough attention… But in this process, knowledge was my savior. Knowledge I already had within that I just needed to be reminded of.
The clearest messages to my soul have been: to stay grounded in my gratitude and humility to the Earth, to free myself from dependency, judgment and pressure, to handle my energy preciously, and to build trust within myself. To be myself and thus to love myself, unconditionally and unapologetically.
Such a journey and such lessons don’t just stop there. I’m in a zone of clarity and focus. I just want to speak / write out into the universe what it has been speaking to me lately. Still, every day, I face new questions, with many still left unanswered. But it isn’t about getting all the answers right, or even all the answers at all. . . As such, it isn’t about merely completing the journey as much as it is being present, enjoying the process, and learning to find and love yourself along the way.
I currently own more film cameras than I do digital, and I have no problem with that. I love to have options when I shoot film. Being able to grab a specific tool from my arsenal to enjoy its particular process and outcome is something I know I can get used to. If anything, I believe I’ve reached a new peak.
I love every tool I own for their own reasons. It’s much like owning different kinds of the same size wrench, or different depths of the same size socket to access them in various scenarios. The kind of photo I envision or perhaps the film stock loaded in the camera is part of the context which helps me select my tool of choice.
I try not to draw too much attention or importance to what the tools are; their brand name, or their value. It’s worthless to me if it doesn’t inspire or aid me in making great photographs. The process and the results are of utmost importance to me…
Some of my extended family. My aunt, centered, gifted me my M6 in 2019. (Portra 160, Leica M6)
A lot of people will judge you by the equipment you have or the mediums you shoot on. People have literally stopped me and gasped at my Leica M6, or commented on the cuteness and sleekness of my Konica Big Mini. But the truth is that both of these cameras come from my bloodline. They carry such significant intrinsic value to me that I could care less if they were to be found for $20 on eBay. They carry a history, they inspire me to create, and ultimately they are my tools of creation. That kind of value carries no price tag to me.
As a matter of fact, the most recent camera I’ve begun to use was the first film camera I became familiar with – a Nikon N8008s. It literally is a $20 camera on eBay, but would be one of the last possessions I’d ever sell, same with my M6 or Big Mini. It was also passed to me from family, this one from my father. I shot and developed my first rolls of film from this camera, some of which I made enlargements from that are still framed in my room. I still have the film, contact sheets, and proofs at my parents’ home. The below photos were taken on Nikon N8008s, Kodak BW, hand developed and printed by me in my high school darkroom. Then scanned with a shitty flat-bed scanner…
Carlo (@leftf0otforward) on my right.
Most of the time, I don’t use the whole roll when I go out shooting because I tend to be very frugal with how I consume film. And because of that, I wouldn’t prefer to “waste” a shot that I know I intended for another day or another roll. (i.e. a sunset or colorful scene on monochrome film I would have preferred to have taken in color). But sometimes, you can’t help yourself and you don’t know how tight or how whack the result will be. You just have to find out. That’s all part of the fun and the challenge. See below:
I captured this while driving next to a purple-orange sunset. I knew the creek was going to be in frame, but I was more impressed with the contrast among the creek than the sky like I intended. (T-Max 400, Leica M6)I also dig this shot. Again, I wanted to capture the tones in the sky but it didn’t go my way. It’s alright though – no mistakes, just happy accidents. #bobross (T-Max 400, Leica M6)
My Nikon D800 was the fruit of my own labor. A much needed digital FX upgrade. A much needed sharpening of my edge, a big addition to my tool-bag. The reality is, however, I could sell it and get another body and feel little remorse because although I adore it as a tool, I don’t have a personal connection to it (yet) like I do the N8008s or M6. And yes, the photos will come out sharp and clean in a variety of mixed circumstances, along with creating HD video, but the art I’d create in the process of carefully and accurately burning images onto silver-halide photographic film is a process I will never be tired of and should never be left behind.
And that’s likely why I own more film cameras than I do digital, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it stayed that way.
The shots below are from my first roll ever of Ilford HP5. I really love the look it provided. It is a very contrast-heavy film. It does a really good job of bringing out details within the shadows if exposed correctly, but if there is harsh light or over-exposure, particularly outdoors, you lose some mid-range and depth. At least, that’s how I feel about it so far. When indoors and especially when shooting portraits, the grain of the film suddenly becomes more noticeable. I would say it is more on the looser end of grain than fine. It provides a classic film look, and the higher contrast helps create a cinematic, dramatic vibe. All of the images were shot with a Leica M6 35mm f/2 Summicron on Ilford HP5 400. Enjoy and view my Flickr for more.
Matthew PakMatthew PakMatthew PakMatthew PakMatthew PakMatthew PakMe – shot by Emerald Tanaka
Matthew Pak 