Some conversations simply strike a different chord inside. They elevate your awareness by occurring just at the right time and connecting you deeper to what’s already been weighing on your mind.
It takes a particular person and energy to bring both of you to this place. The same person and energy won’t always bring you to the same place, but life never ceases to take you where you need to go. Some things really take time, then they become unforgettable.
You can’t force your self-understanding. You can only encourage it, pray for it, manifest it. It will come, but it can’t be forced or rushed. Yours will never be true for others, either. You each walk away from the same conversation with different versions of clarity and understanding. It’s one cog in a big ass wheel of life.
You won’t always notice truth when it comes. And you won’t always accept it once you notice it. But your truth will reveal itself, and furthermore, prove over time why it couldn’t be any other way.
The journey I took through my soul this past year has not been an easy one, but it has been well worth the persistence to reach this point of reflection. I made it through 2019 into the New Year, and with that has come many developments and achievements I wouldn’t have even imagined attaining back in 2018, such as shooting promos, events, and music videos for local artists and businesses, selling my photographs, developing film at home, and curating this website to display my work at the freedom of my own expression.
Every ounce of struggle I felt led me to maneuver through my issues and my emotions, and ultimately, create something out of it because in those instances, I felt like I had nothing anymore. Everything I knew about myself among this world, I had questioned all over again. This amount of doubt and questioning led me on a true deep-sea exploration into my mind fishing for some answers. It couldn’t happen any other way: I was bound to hit a new rock bottom, just as I am soon bound to reach a new high.
photo: Matthew Pak
But that’s just who I am. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t question the world and question myself the way that I do. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get the answers from yesterday and form the questions of tomorrow, today. Everyday, I’ve new questions and new answers. Knowledge cries out to me, because I likely don’t give knowledge enough attention… But in this process, knowledge was my savior. Knowledge I already had within that I just needed to be reminded of.
The clearest messages to my soul have been: to stay grounded in my gratitude and humility to the Earth, to free myself from dependency, judgment and pressure, to handle my energy preciously, and to build trust within myself. To be myself and thus to love myself, unconditionally and unapologetically.
Such a journey and such lessons don’t just stop there. I’m in a zone of clarity and focus. I just want to speak / write out into the universe what it has been speaking to me lately. Still, every day, I face new questions, with many still left unanswered. But it isn’t about getting all the answers right, or even all the answers at all. . . As such, it isn’t about merely completing the journey as much as it is being present, enjoying the process, and learning to find and love yourself along the way.
Matthew Pak 