by on

My entire life has taken a shift, and this is only the beginning of yet another new chapter. It’s not the first time I start something new, but this is vastly different from what I’ve done in the past: Pure entrepreneurship. In some moments I feel lonely, nervous, and anxious about it, and in others I’m reminded how accompanied I am by others going through or who have gone through something just like me. And obviously, I’m surrounding myself with role models who I see executing it the right way.
I think it’s important to acknowledge how far one has come, but also to push past one’s comfort zones in order to grow more. I reached a point ‘professionally’ where I felt like my growth was stagnant and my best qualities weren’t being utilized. After making effort to increase my income and quality of work, or find another position that better suits my needs, I realized I was potentially missing out on a golden opportunity to put myself first for once; to bottle up everything I’ve learned and apply it to something I’ve always wanted, but didn’t quite understand yet.
In order to fully take on this quest, it would require many lifestyle changes to shift from a professional setting into a solo entrepreneur/work-from-home type of setting. It would require a ton of focus, dedication, organization, time, patience, effort; all the synonymous hard-working qualities you can think of. But then again – we do these things for other people to realize their dreams. Why not do the work to realize my own?
I’ve quickly realized there are a lot of things about simply ‘getting ready’ to go to work that prepare us mentally and physically for the work day. Waking up at home, surrounded by family and in the comfort of your own space – it becomes more difficult to draw that line, but not impossible. That’s where the boundaries are drawn: what I need or don’t need to focus on getting work done. Whether that be time, privacy, space, routine, or pure intentions. All of it has to be present for the sake of achieving the common goal – to create an grow a company that can produce value for the world and in return provide a comfortable way of life.
I think I’ll expand more on the topic of creating healthy habits for creators and entrepreneurs once I honestly get better at drilling them into myself and have some feedback. Right now this is more of a reflection on the change of priority, environment and pace. I’m reminding myself every day what I made this change for, and what it requires of me. Back to work!

by on

…but nothing compares to real life experiences. Luckily, I’ve been humbled a bunch of times in 27 years. I am wise enough to know that there is often more than what meets the eye, especially when it’s online. Beware of how others tote their success making it seem quick and easy, or like it hit them on their first try, or like sending them money will help buy yours. It won’t.

Only you can reach a level of fulfillment in life that you can define as success, because pleasing everyone’s definition of it ain’t gonna get you anywhere. Everything you do should be for fulfilling your own purpose and goals in life. You might have a dozen different inspirational figures that are close, but not exactly, the kind of person you aim to be. Remember, you can’t be all of them, and in fact it’s impossible to even just be one of them. You can only be you, guided by the light that was left behind in all of them. In the future, your doings can be the light that guides another on their journey. Isn’t that special?

Perspective is important. Comparison is the thief of joy. I remain a victim of comparison on social media and technology, constantly teetering between finding inspiration and feeling defeat before even beginning. Changing my perspective allowed me to realize I need to listen to my heart and not my smartphone. Stop allowing others to enter the personal space in my mind and allow myself to express how I feel without being sorry about it. Create how I want without following all the “rules” or worrying about the reception. Just simply do. That’s when you will learn the most and have something valid to say about it.

by on

Happy New Year to all! For me, 2022 was a significant year for healing and growth. I was able to experience new things with friends, grind through adversity and celebrate wins, grow a deeper connection with my mental and physical well-being, and maintain healthy relationships with friends and family. Honestly, just saying all that brings me a great sigh of relief and a smile to my face. Although it wasn’t sunshine and flowers every single day, it was most definitely the best year of the previous few. It flew by quickly, but I have good energy to continue the momentum going into the New Year. To name a few things I accomplished in 2022:

  • Named my business DVLPD, “a creative media company which brings ideas to reality“
  • Had a fairly successful print sale in Sacramento, with motivation to do more pop-up sales when the new season approaches
  • Caught up on nearly all film developing and scanning – anyone who shoots film knows how good this feels
  • Upgraded to a Panasonic GH5, but usage got delayed for quite a while until I also recently upgraded my PC, which can handle editing the video files
  • Treated myself to new Sony headphones and an iPad Mini + Pencil, and moved most workflow to the Cloud so I can edit photos and small video projects on the go
  • Worked the entire year and crossed the 3.5yr mark at my job, got a salary bump
  • Physically moving and feeling better as a result of more exercise and adjusting out bad habits in my life surrounding diet, sleep, movement, stress management, personal management, etc. Obviously, still working on these things every day..
  • Ending the year feeling much better than I entered it; hungry to take on more opportunities for growth, curious what the future holds because I’m always seeking to grow into the best version of myself and chase the ever-changing ideal end-goal.

Reflecting on these accomplishments like this just reassures me that I’m doing something right. In contrast, it’s easy to compare where I am to all those I look up to, but I know we each have our own journey and the fact I look up to them already places my standards for success higher than most. I make an effort to reach out and stay in touch with those I know that I see putting in the work like me. I know that often times when less recognized artists go against the grain of what’s common, trendy, or popular, we ‘re subject to feeling as if we’re doing something wrong. In reality, we’re just really passionate human beings who want to be known for our own styles, pushing the culture and the community forward, and being able to survive doing something we love. To that, I will always go out of my way to support someone else that I see going through that grind to give them the fuel to keep going, because I know sometimes, a few words of encouragement go a long way.

Peace and enjoy some of my favorite film images from 2022 below.

Armstrong Redwoods, January 2022
Mya on Gold 200, March 2022

RIO on Gold 200, May 2022
CELLO on Gold 200, May 2022
Side note. I grew up with these cats RIO and CELLO. They are real artists and hard workers who deserve praise.

Frank on Gold 200, June 2022

Emerald and I tossing each other my point ‘n shoot in the snow so we can take portraits of each other, before going down the expert slope that we totally thought was the beginner one..

Jackie leading me to Salt Point
Washed up rock at Salt Point

Not sure if they are the best tacos in Studio City, but they are much better than the “tacos” I was served in Hollywood..

The colors in this make me happy.
APEXER art on a wall in the Mission
… IYKYK
San Diego with the fam. What is the fam doing here..? Not sure…
Sonoma Coast
Trying out Cinestill 400D in Hawaii
More 400D in North Shore Oahu

Last but not least, a glorious sunset at Land’s End on September 5th, 2022.

As usual, contact me for prints or visit www.matthewpak.darkroom.com to streamline your order! I appreciate any order, even if it’s a $5 4×6. I also appreciate any support, by sharing my work online or by word of mouth.

Thank you! Wishing you all a successful, healthy, and fun 2023 and beyond!

by on

I am both thankful and worried for the Age we live in. I mean, we’ve certainly come a long way from, say, a century ago, and the times we’re living in will be an interesting part of the history books. As great as the luxuries and technologies that we have are, and as comfortably as we may live, there is a lot that weighs down on the collective consciousness. There are a lot of divisive ideologies floating around, and a lot of strategies in place, that keep groups of people from uniting and undoing the damage that greed, money, and corruption have inflicted on society. Individually, a lot of us struggle to dig ourselves out of holes we may be in; many of us placed into these holes involuntarily. We still find ways to enjoy life and the company around us, but if we could change the way we live and the way society operates, I believe we would easily come up with some immediate fundamental changes.

So why don’t we? Easier said than done, and I’ll refer back to the ancient proverb: Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Lately, I feel that I’ve been taking more responsibility for myself, my habits, my health in all its forms, and just my growth in general. For a long time, I felt very stagnant; I felt stuck in a cycle and at the bottom of a pit. I felt as if I was prioritizing a lot of things besides my own well-being, and then it created a big pile of stuff I had to do in order to get past it, which sucked the motivation out. In truth, I’ve been chipping away at those things day by day, and it’s tough to see that progress from a daily view, so I’ve relied more on consistency. But in retrospect of the past 6 or so months, it seems I’ve gained self-control and self-mastery to a greater extent than previous efforts of greater stints.

Sometimes our growth and maturity has less to do with our “effort”, and more with the balance within our bodies, as well as the events happening in our life. Obviously effort plays a huge role in anything that we do, but it is a synergy of events together that help place larger stepping stones ahead of us. A brief example would be.. simply saying, “I would like to participate in a more environmentally friendly world” which is a good start for all of us, and follows the basic idea that we must put some initial energy into it as well as align ourselves deeper with the cause.
This simple idea then gets turned into multiple avenues of intention and effort. For example, with this approach, we must consider investing in some reusable items we can use daily and when we travel, so we reduce using single-use plastics and other consumer goods. Then, we have a composting bin and recycling bin to sort out our trash and send them to the correct processing facilities. Perhaps, we start tracking and limiting our excessive consumption of precious resources such as gas, electricity, water, money, etc. In addition, we may start purchasing other more environmentally-friendly items such as recycled products (household goods, clothing, shoes). We start to eat sustainably sourced foods, we even grow our own. We upcycle/recycle the clothes and shoes that we grow out of. We take on a bigger understanding of the world and how to navigate it, so we can make better choices. All of the basics start trickling down into the details, as the basics become part of our nature, and this happens for every avenue we put energy and intention into.

For me, I have done most of these things related to this example, and feel this way about the several avenues I have put focus into. Had some of these things always weighed on my mind? Yes… but it hadn’t been a priority, so the focus was not there. Well, I had a switch flip in my brain recently that has allowed me to focus more (I wish I could say only) on the things that serve me, and purge or let go of that which does not. I have learned to respect when it’s time for rest, time for work, time to tune out of work, time to learn and grow, and to respect the effort and discipline needed to do them all well.

Because it’s more than just being environmentally friendly, and it’s more than just doing that for myself. The collection of all the intentions and things I’m doing to better myself, is ultimately to live in a better functioning world. It’s ultimately for the future of humanity, though that does sound a little dramatic!
As I said, we have to be the change… We cannot expect others to live up to a standard we don’t even hold for ourselves! We don’t do that at home, or at work, so it isn’t something we should do in general.

What does self-mastery look like to you? Have you ever had those “a-ha” moments when it comes to your own journey of growth? Do you ever take time to think about how far you’ve come in something from since you first set that goal?

It’s a feeling I haven’t felt this strongly in a while, so since it feels good, I’m going to keep following what my heart tells me and keep going on this journey of self-mastery in hopes that it sets an example for others around me and leads to a better functioning world.

by on

You ever have those moments/days where you almost literally feel yourself shedding off previous versions of yourself? It’s as if we’re aware nothing has changed overnight or in that moment, but that how you feel in that moment is definitely different than the last time you were aware of it. Life has a way of passing through the days so quickly that even a hard look in the mirror every day doesn’t really reveal any major changes. Over the course of time, though, like exercising consistently for years on end, you do see the changes. You do see and feel the results of all the time, blood, sweat, and tears that got you into your position today.

A lot of questions and uncertainties I had in life about myself, about society, about the way we all tend to maneuver through this life experience seem to have been answered lately. A lot of tendencies and habits and truths about myself I have associated to their root causes or childhood memories that add up to present-day Matthew. And it’s not like I have everything all figured out – I most definitely do not – but it’s as if I am starting to feel a sense of closure with so many questions from my past about myself and the world. My curiosity and drive to figure things out will surely continue to lead me down many rabbit holes, into many new experiences and new revelations. I am excited for them. I am excited to move past a chapter in my life riddled with doubt, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty and into one where I move with a sense of awareness, of confidence, of courageousness, and of peace.

Sometimes I think I’m viewing life a little too simplistically these days. But, that is also a result of me finding a solution to constantly overthinking and underperforming. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of social judgment and socially-induced anxiety that stemmed mostly from childhood experiences. It’s the adulthood experiences that really give us a reality check. It’s after we get through the superficial acts of graduating school and working great and shitty jobs and being in great and shitty relationships that teach you the most about yourself and the company you kept up to that point. I’ve found that not a lot of people I’ve encountered in life really understand what I’m talking about, or themselves have made it past a certain level of self-awareness and consciousness to understand and feel their changes on a deep intuitive level. That’s okay, too, as the world must operate in balance. It’s not written in all our paths to think or feel this way; it’s not written for all of us to be famous or great – let alone just desire to be better in any way.

But if that is you reading this, resonating with anything I’ve said, maybe wondering when you’ll really feel any progress or growth within yourself, then at least take this one thing away: Trust the process while you put in the work, rest and meditate a lot to heal the mind body and soul, then push yourself to be great again. The world needs you to be you, not a shadow or a copy of anybody else.

Peace

by on

Hey all! I was featured on this episode of The Deep Take, a podcast about conversations that heal. The podcast is hosted by my good friend Mya Constantino. Listen here, and also there are some words of reflection below.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2WsinPC0ad6kpbfKsPtgAR?si=gh0KCGhjRe-aFOuPLG38Pg
Episode released March 25, 2022. Recorded in Petaluma, CA. Hosted by Mya Constantino.

The title, “Be Ready Before Lightning Strikes” refers to the willingness to go out and capture what needs to be captured. What is that? Wherever my intuition and my life guides me. There have been many creative roadblocks put in front of me, often times placed there by my very own self. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of disappointment. Fear and anxiety have been my worst enemy in overcoming my own creative roadblocks. The moments where I can get past that and capture something meaningful or beautiful [to me] I realize that none of that fear does anything good for me… that I’m best off trusting myself with at least trying. When you try, you might fail or you might succeed. But you can never succeed if you don’t at least try; and also fuck impressing anybody but yourself.

Mya and I discussed my childhood in the East Bay Area and how that specific environment shaped the individual I am. In particular, how Antioch and the Bay Area taught me a lot about humanity, people, life in America, and just about myself. We also discuss how I ended up in Santa Rosa and how I feel about Sonoma County in general and what chapter of life I’m in now.

In 2019 I began working for a cannabis company which basically marks that new chapter. In the past 3.5 years I’ve grown to be a project and supply chain operations manager. I’ve had the opportunity to shoot photos and videos for name brands, dispensaries, and even artists such as Jadakiss and Berner in the process. Most importantly though, I’ve developed as a person and learned so much in this small period of time. Creatively, however, I’ve limited my mental capacity and devotion to developing my visual craft. My creative periods have come in stints and often are motivated by elements of my life promoting the creativity but not devoting to it full time. Mental and physical exhaustion, or just mental roadblocks have been the main cause for my lack of creative output. However, I’ve placed an emphasis on being kind to myself about this. I can’t beat myself up for not being a creative machine- I’m a human. I’m a working human in a stressful position, trying to keep the roof above my head and my stomach fed. However, that doesn’t mean I’ll allow myself to remain in this position, where I let all these elements affect my well being. I have accepted there is a temporary sacrifice, but not that this is my fate.

When I captured the lightning series, I remember realizing that I had not planned for it at all. I remember thinking, wow, we really were in the right place at the right time.. even if it was one of the scariest things ever. I remember driving back from the Bodega coast at 4 in the morning with lightning striking the hills around us as we drove through the road in the valley on the edge of our seats. I remember the yelling in the car, even though we knew we were most likely safe in the car, we had just never witnessed anything like it. I remember standing next to my tripod and camera, and viewing the photos I was making, and amazing my friends that I knew the settings I needed. Perhaps I was not an expert or masterfully detailed with my techniques, but I knew enough to capture what I needed. I knew enough because every time I’ve ever taken photos, especially long exposures, I learned something that added value where I didn’t know I needed it. And in the most important moment, I knew what to do because how to do it was already etched into my mind from the preparation. I remember realizing all of this, and admitting, this is why we don’t stop doing what we love.

Anyways, this discussion as well as my personal reflections since then have indeed been very healing. I guess I hadn’t ever put my story into such a short version of itself and thought about it, in a long ass time. Putting the dots together and making sense of my past, why I’m here, where I want to be, how I feel about my art, and articulating all of that in one conversation kind of opened my eyes to what I want to do in life and how to do it. Even though I knew all of those things, they were fragmented in my mind. And again, I have the fear of failure in executing my vision. But that fear gets me nowhere. Failure to execute at all is 100% failure and I refuse to settle for that.

“What if it’s a cloudy night? If I would have just thought that, then we wouldn’t have went out and caught that. You have to be a risk-taker. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and just follow the stars.”

Never leaving my house without my camera again.. . Peace!

by on

I’ve always been known to hang with folk older than myself, and be wiser than my years. But there’s something about experiencing shit in life that when you reflect back on it, you can’t help but admit (and maybe laugh at the fact) that you really needed to go through that to understand that wisdom that was passed down. In some ways its playful and in others it gets real deep, but most of you know what I mean. We love when a good lesson comes full circle in life.

At this time of year, when my birthday comes around and Taurus season is in effect, a fire ignites in my soul and I start acting up, usually in a good way. This year I think it’s really good for me, because I’m learning to take care of myself in various new ways and I’ve learned so many valuable life lessons in the past few years especially. In a sense, it feels like I didn’t have time for those past couple years to stop and reflect and understand what’s really going on and important for me in that moment – I was sort of flying on autopilot. But recently, my mindset has shifted and I’m feeling confident and positive about what my future brings, mostly because I know it’s my persistent efforts that got me where I am today. Plus, I’ve been making lots of notes in the background to prepare me for these next steps. As I said, valuable life lessons, even if some I don’t fully understand yet.

One of the biggest maturity lessons I’m overcoming is the need for validation from others, and in particular my friends and people I already know. I think that for a long time, I’ve had a very limited scope of the world, and of who my audience is when I speak or share my art. But the reality is that the world is vast, and the entirety of it is the artist’s audience. I’ve realized it’s not typical to think the way I do, to see the world the way I do, to express myself the way I do; but also that I don’t give a damn if I know so and no one else does yet. Humans having the Web and being able to share our unfiltered thoughts and selves into basically whichever form we desire, is all that we ever needed to be whoever we want to be.

What life has taught me to reinforce this lesson is that being able to express the most fearless and authentic version of yourself while being successful is the cream of the crop, and that is how I want to feel. I no longer feel the need to compromise how I create or share my work for the sake of my current list of followers or friends or whatever. I no longer feel the need to gain validation from an audience I’ve already gathered before, because all that energy should be directed toward just being the best and purest form of myself and attracting new people to it who feel the energy I’m putting out.

I’ve been doing good about keeping myself sharp, but I know it’s not good enough for my standards. I know I have to set the bar higher for myself and put in the work to reach that level of strength, success and inner peace that I need and desire. But here is the blessing through it all: I know what it is I want and I’d bet on myself for getting there.

by on

I’ve made some updates to the website recently, though it’s still missing it’s 2021 35mm page – under construction.

The 2020 page has been updated, and many shutter clicks have happened between then and now, but developing, scanning, and retouching favorites has been something like a quarterly process. I’m on October 2nd now, day 2 of Q4 and it’s hitting me – I’ve got all these rolls from Q3 to finish retouching, and 10 rolls in the fridge to send out, damn. What’s new around here? I’m pretty sure my roommate has it worse than me, but we’re always in the thick of it, wondering how we got ourselves so deep.

Truth is, work has consumed 90% of my time and energy, and I’m real frugal about how I spend the remaining 10%. Some of that involves shooting memories as I go, but it’s not exactly enough for me to have field days of shooting, stay on top of all my edits, promote my artwork, and commit to other projects, all at the same time.
It’s okay, because I have never really placed any emphasis on rushing the photographs or rushing myself to finish something that isn’t urgent. I believe in the power of a good photograph withstanding time, and bringing the memories back that I intended… and if I didn’t do that, I take notes and march on clicking.

With the scanning and retouching, a lot of my reflection, notetaking, and hopefully improvement takes place behind the scenes. I apologize (mostly to myself I guess, but to whoever reads this) that I haven’t been able to supply regular fresh photographs for your viewing and my OCD’s pleasure. It’s sad that Instagram gets priority because that’s where the habits lie and where the attention gravitates… where the dopamine is found. I just want those IG viewers to hit that link in bio a little more often, ya know? Perhaps that would motivate me to keep the website fresh, but I know it eventually falls on me. I have a lot of photos in the archive, and a lot of different ideas for getting my art out there, while being sustainable and fun with it.

It’s just a matter of time. It’s not that I don’t have any, but my health, my job, and some other personal projects were a bit more important to me than photos or the site the past few months. As I get close to harvesting my plants, the seasons change and the sunlight fades earlier; it becomes that time of year where I catch up and make moves artistically and professionally.

Many blessings,
Peace

by on

Time flies and things constantly change, so much so that by the time I stop and think about it, it feels like nothing is ever the same as the last. A cherished memory feels forever ago, and feels like its fading, with the other many valuable memories I cling to. Bits of my identity stored within tangible and intangible objects. Journaling and photography help me return to my past while I cling so hard to what’s right in front of me.

These are new chapters in life I’m experiencing. Some days, I’m able to flip through the pages of my mind, and I land on a special feeling, but most times I’m focused here in the present — grinding. It’s where I’ve trained myself to be, moving in the present, planning for the future, but overall, driving in the fast lane getting to my next position.

And perhaps that’s why I feel this way, just constantly catching up with myself mentally, always overly aware of my headspace and my emotions. Constantly self-critical, constantly adjusting. It’s tiring to be this self-conscious and this addicted to work. I don’t give myself enough love, enough time, enough credit, enough personal space. I just grind, work, and think hard; I don’t look back, but rather keep my eyes on the prize. I do what my heart calls for, what feels right, because I’ve learned to trust myself more than anyone.

The thing I am most proud of is where this has gotten me today. Because, for a while, it felt like maybe I was getting nowhere, or at least I had a long, long way to go. But today, I feel differently about this mostly due to the past two years of my life.. and in particular, the past 6 months. It’s been an absolute grind, but looking back at it, it’s contributed immensely to my character development, specifically in the direction I’ve always wanted it to go. I get to facilitate, organize, create, contribute, and enjoy the flowers of my labor, while taking part in something positive. I’m yearning for more personal time and self-love, but I know that I will focus energy on it and feel better about it in time. It’s just incredibly important to me to honor what nature provides us during certain points or seasons in our lives. Metaphorically, I feel as if this chapter of mine is like Spring – it’s a time of growth and regeneration, as well as planting seeds for the future.

by on

I’ve a long way to go/grow as a person. Even as far as I’ve already come, every day awaits a new world of knowledge and opportunities – big or small – slowly evolving who I am at my core. So often, I think about all the memories in my brain that have fallen through the cracks but still live in the crevices; still there directing my every day flow, decision-making, and personality – mostly subconsciously. Memories that I don’t quite recall, but I just know they’re there. They pop up in those random split second moments that they’re relevant, but then the pressing matters of life take over, and all is subtly forgotten, although not fully. Not forever.

It’s for all the little things we go through every day that I feel there’s an importance to writing/journaling. Our daily lives consist of accumulating so much physical and mental toll; so many thoughts completed, breaths and steps taken, calories burned, energy spent. It’s for these same reasons I find it difficult to journal often, let alone every week or day like I would consider ideal… I’m spent.

Simultaneously, I wonder, how do people go through life and not take a moment to wind the fuck out? What is their version of doing so? How do they cope with the built up stress of every day life? It’s not that I believe everyone copes with things the same way, not at all. I am truly interested in the different ways that different people navigate through life’s complications. It’s different for us all – everyone’s life is uniquely complicated. I’ve always been at least a little different from the rest, and I’m at least a little OK with that. I’m slowly becoming more and more comfortable with it, too.

And for me, maybe it isn’t always journaling I should rely on. For me, going on a photo walk, a bike ride, or a hoop session also help me process what I may be going through and find a method of resetting/refreshing my mind. And that kind of physical meditation can be described as necessary. However, no matter how much I rely on those kinds of [primarily physical] outlets, there is only so much to be done for what my mind needs, which is time, silence, and deep thought. Writing goes hand in hand with that. I’ve lost my touch with the pen/keys, with my deeper thoughts, but I’m finding a way to navigate through all my challenges. I’m the only one who’s going to fight the fight for myself.

~Peace

by on

A lot is on my mind, every day and night. Each day there is a passing moment where I wish I could drop what I’m doing and just note down that feeling that I’m feeling. Most times I find silence and try to write I mostly just feel unhappy that I can’t get down to what it is I even want to say. What were those thoughts and feelings I had that were interesting at the time? The medium means a lot too. Sometimes it’s easier to just tweet a sentence or two, and leave it at that. What I go through, and what I have to share, is worthy of more of that, I think. I say that now, but most of the time I also battle with this very idea… that my thoughts or feelings are worth anything to anyone else, or worth publishing online to share – like who cares? What on Earth does it change if I have an opinion just to make it clickable and sharable? I’d lost any motivation to do that anymore for a long while, like nearly 5+ years, but I believe I know the reasons why. A lot of the time between then and now has been a very rough and jagged path of self-becoming and growth, as well as studies and work, and just trying to survive. Just trying very, very hard to be the best version of myself in this crazy, screwed up world that can lead you down any path you decide to take. Am I a screw up…? Am I doing my part in society? Am I supporting local businesses and the right social programs and voting for the right things? Am I even making enough to pay bills and save for my future with healthy credit and reliable transportation and…? You know, just dealing and worrying about all the things school never really prepared us to unless you were lucky. But I’ve accepted something of the utmost importance this year: life waits for no one, opportunities wait for no one… and most importantly nothing anyone thinks matters… This life and how we choose to plan it out, that’s on us. And it’s on ourselves to personally see it through and take accountability for it… And along the way, recognize our achievements and success, don’t dwell on our missed shots and what-if’s. I did a lot of both this year, but truly realized the importance of honoring our achievements. It’s been a rough year and I feel for everybody affected. I’m extremely lucky I happened to be in the right industry, in the right job at the right time… Many people have been less fortunate. But also, this is the result of my hard work. This is the result of my hardheadedness mixed with my soft soul. I would not be where I am without the initiatives I have taken to make sure I am myself to the fullest degree, and always searching to develop on that, to build my character. I’m thankful to everything, to everyone, most importantly myself. I’m still figuring it out, and that’s OK. I’m starting on things now I should have already, but that’s OK. We here now and we gonna run it up this new year like it’s a new life.

Peace

photos by Dennis Andrade

by on

I’ve had so much on my mind lately, but no real time to reflect and process everything. The prospect of an unexpected day off tomorrow is already giving me the reminder, the energy, and the inspiration to slow the hell down and look at myself in the mirror.

Life comes in waves. Sometimes we’re broke, sometimes we’re investing or burning through it. Sometimes we feel in love, sometimes we’re forced to question it. Sometimes we’re overwhelmed and tired, sometimes it doesn’t matter and the job simply gets done. Sometimes you need friends and relationships and communication, other times you just need to be alone. Sometimes you love yourself and sometimes we need a reminder how to do so.

In my life, I feel I’m always striving for perfection… like Raekwon. (Only Built 4 Cuban Linx is damnnear perfect). However this quality of mine both serves me and destroys me. My desire to set a high standard then not fall below it tends to also crush to my own ego and energy to do anything. I’m a bit harsh on myself rather than focusing that energy on improving from where I’m at and attaining better results than last time. It’s really, really hard to direct energy in the right places when these ways of thinking are ingrained into my very consciousness. I’m constantly breaking down old habits to replace them with better ones. Constantly chipping away at my ego, my imperfections, my deficiencies and my imbalances, to turn it around and create a better version of myself; the very best version; the version made in the image of the cosmos and the universal consciousness.

“Let’s not think like we gon’ be stagnated.. let’s keep moving ahead, man. Keep our head up, man.”

Wherever I was a year ago, two years ago, I was probably punching the wall for not being further along my own journey. And it’s so foolish… but also the reasons I’ve gotten as far as I’ve gotten. I really examine and challenge myself. I am who I am; my results and my creations will always reflect that and that’s all I want. These are things I need to not only acknowledge, or merely accept, but embrace and employ to their fullest potential. I’ve proven to myself I only level up more and more through time, wisdom, experience, and networking… The more I collect the jewels of life. Yet, the hardest thing to do is trust myself in knowing I will continue to do so while learning, growing, and expanding into whatever it is the cosmos have in store for me.

No one can replace me on this journey, and no one could replace what this journey has done for me. I might not be in the positions of my peers or my muses, but I’m here with everything I’ve done. I’m here watching their every move so I can calculate when and how to make mine. What I have is a true obsession to find perfection strategically and methodically. I’m finding better methods to my madness and my obsession, better ways to express these feelings, but it doesn’t take away from what I’ve done… it in fact has only led me to where I am going.

Peace

by on

This roll is interesting… It dates back to like February, before pandemic/shelter-in-place. The first half of the roll I shot through a Pentax K1000 I found in my dad’s old camera bag. Me and my housemate made a little video on it that I never really felt “finished” with so I put it on the backburner. I wanted to make a video where I developed that film and showed the results but when Covid hit, it put a curveball in everything and the roll sat in my fridge. We also ran out of developer at the house, and then the messiness of the house made me indecisive unto how we would film that portion of the video.

Ultimately, I made a bunch of excuses for the video but eventually developed the roll and got the scans back to confirm I should keep using this camera. The K1000 works great, and the roll switches over to my M6 around the frames of the Poppies. You almost can’t tell, as the K1000 and its 28mm f/2.8 prime lens is very sharp. Its focusing mechanism and exposure meter took some getting used to and I find both more helpful but also more intrusive to the experience compared to the M6’s rangefinder shooting experience. Overall it was fun and easy to use and I now use it as a carry-around that I don’t mind it banging around or if (knock on wood) something were to happen to it.

The K1000 frames were made in Petaluma, CA and the M6 frames were made in Santa Rosa, CA.
Some of the clips from the video and frames from this roll are in this video.

Peace!

by on

This roll of Gold 200, developed and scanned by Underdog Film Lab in Oakland, CA, features a day at the beach with some of my housemates and friends – several months back (I’m updating this blog with film roll dumps and a message to go with them). Also pictured are just some spontaneous moments in the following week or so. Pete (15, 16) always gives me a laugh not only just when we hang out but especially when I take pictures of him. He likes to pose or give a goofy face or do something.

Emerald took the second to last frame of me… We practiced that one on digital for a while and I set the settings for her so she would be comfortable only having to focus the lens and hit the shutter. =]

Peace and love.

by on

Hello family.

We’ve been through a lot this year. Let’s just take some time to acknowledge all that we have endured together through many troubling, doubtful events and times. We have learned that anything is possible, no matter how rich or poor, strong or weak, powerful or marginalized, there has been a fight to be won and to be lost…

We have learned that we still have a lot of work to be done, we have a lot to raise our voices and our fists to continue fighting for. We have a lot to stand in solidarity for. A lot of people, a lot of lives lost and damaged. A lot of cultures, ideologies, and traditions stolen. We owe it to the indigenous.

We owe it to ourselves and those who have respected the land we have come to live on. How we treat our home is symbolic of the person we are within. And as a species, a civilization, and as a community, we should be fighting to have a more prideful representation of the home that we inhabit: Earth. So fight your fight, do what you can, live sustainably and do what is right for the world and its living creatures. We owe it all to each other.

Collective Pain Calls For Collective Healing.